Thursday, June 03, 2010

PUBLIC FAILURE, in more ways than one. At first I thought, I won't show up to the pres. because I am feeling anxious and sick, sick and wrong, wrong and right. But then I remembered Celi's voice in my head: "no, do the hard thing... take the challenge" & I thought "I don't want to let down my group." So I went to class and started talking about a chapter of economic policies I had read over twice and took lengthy discussion notes on. Once my first sentence was out, I realized I had no more words within myself. I had no thoughts, blank mind, green mind. 60 sets of eyes were looking at me with confusion and that look that says "oh he's bombing." The only thing I could say was "I can't do this, I can't talk... I am sorry." I left my backpack, wallet, water, and jackets and just walked over the my favorite empty stairwell and stared into the opaque/foggy windows. I could hear my breath echoing up 4 floors and after a few moments I convinced myself to return to the classroom, but I didn't. I ended up talking to the friendliest surfer dude possible eating McDonalds and he said "hey I've got an extra burger, you want one?" & I politely declined saying "I'm full up." The surfer dude started relating all kinds of mixed anxieties to me and usually when someone does this it just makes me feel worse and want to crawl in a hole, but there was something about his oversized flip-flops and his backwards hat and his spicy mustard from McDonalds that calmed me down. Peers started to roll out of class asking me if I was OK and re-assured me that "no one is making fun of you" as if that was soemthing I was at all worried about. My teacher Jin came out and quietly walked over to me with a deeply sincere stare that reminded me that she was A) the best teacher I've ever had at Evergreen B) probably a wonderful grandmother & C) only worried about me and my well being. I left the A Wing of SEM II and walked across red square and the squabble of last day partiers and hip hop dee jays and dancers were only making me feel worse. The only solution is to eat falafel and sit in the woods, except I am not hungry and I am wearing white-ish pants that shouldn't get dirty.

1 comment:

dregdrums said...

buddy, this is such a beautiful story about feeling an anxiety that i couldn't help but identify with in a big way. you told this in such a great way too.